On expectations
"Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives; but none about his or her own." - Paulo Coelho
Last week I wrote about feedback and how repeated feedback is an invitation to practice curiosity. What is the source of this feedback; do I trust the person giving it to me? Do I need to change a behavior to align with my intention better? Do I need to ask questions to understand why I am getting a particular piece of feedback?
Asking those questions will help us uncover both our own motives, but also others’ expectations.
When I was a teenager, I remember my father relaying a conversation he had had with his brother regarding conflict. I’m unclear if he heard this or read this somewhere else, but it is a simple truth that has persisted in my memory for decades: all conflict arises out of unmet expectations.
Expectations can arise from many sources - implicitly you have things like societal/community values or individual experiences; explicitly, we see marketing messages from companies or personal statements of obligation. Here’s some over-simplified examples.
Western societal value: We don’t ask what someone weighs because it is private information.
Individual experience: I was bitten by a dog; I believe all dogs should be on leashes.
Marketing message: Buy our product; our product has a less than a 1% failure rate.
Personal statement: I will research this item and report back to you. (Topic is complex, no time period is offered.)
In each of these cases, when the expectation is not met, we can and should expect tension or conflict.
Western societal value: I can’t believe they asked me that; how rude!
Individual experience: (seeing an unleashed dog) How inconsiderate of them!
Marketing message: Liars - both my and my sister’s product isn’t working! Seems like way more than less than 1% to me!
Personal statement: (An hour later later) I guess I must not be important enough for them to follow through on their promise.
Since expectations can be both stated and also remain unvoiced, it’s important to realize that conflict and tension due to unmet expectations is a normal part of the human experience. You can, with time and exposure, create an understanding to help you avoid unnecessary conflict. Focusing on what you can control will assist greatly; this may look like:
Practicing integrity by following-through on your promises or communicating when you will be unable to
Using curiosity to explore if there may be unvoiced expectations
Employing empathy over defensiveness when initial conflict arises to not intensify the experience/deepen the rift
Choosing to be vulnerable and proactively share experiences/values that are coloring your expectations
Providing factual feedback when things go wrong
But at the end of the day - you will fail at times. And that…. should be expected.
Be well, beautiful people. Remember that only you are in your head.
