On feedback
“People who rarely receive criticism often take feedback too personally and miss opportunities to learn.
People who frequently receive criticism get used to ignoring what others say and also miss opportunities to learn.
The thing to focus on is the pattern. If you hear something once, don’t let it wreck your mindset. There are many ways to view the world and not everyone will agree with your approach.
But if you’re hearing something repeatedly, think carefully about whether the feedback is right.” - James Clear
James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, sent this out as part of his weekly 3-2-1 Newsletter yesterday. I have enjoyed receiving this the last few years; his insights are easily digestible, and his concluding questions are often on point. In the above quote, Clear invites us to witness patterns and then decide to inspect the feedback.
I would offer that we need to do this from many angles. Here’s an example from my history.
I love information and understanding how things work - be it a machine, a process, a person, a software, a toy. As a child, I loved learning; I took a distinct pleasure from being able to know how things came together and then recall that information at will and share it (excitedly) with others. However, accompanying this was a bit of anxiety. If I heard someone stating a piece of information that was not factually accurate, I swiftly corrected them. And since I was a child, I had no context for how this might make others feel. I didn’t understand that humans don’t like being told they are wrong. My focus was always on the information being correct, not on me being right. I was teased - sometimes lovingly, other times in exasperation - for “always needing to be right.” I was confused, because this was not my experience; I felt almost a panic when the information was not correct. Even now, when I learn that the information I previously stated was wrong, I will come forward and state as such.
One narrative of this story could be “Woe is me! I am misunderstood!” accompanied by doubling down on the behavior; another could be “Man, what I am doing must be wrong; I should stop this altogether.” But I think Clear’s message applies, just in a slightly different way. The important feedback was “If many people are saying this to you, are you presenting your motives accurately so they can understand?” and “Your intention is not aligning to other people’s experience; is there something that you can shift to make the experience and intention align?”
In my story - I needed to:
More clearly communicate my motives
Practice discernment for when I chose to correct - did it really matter if the information was factual/correct? Is this a reporting of information or sharing of a personal story?
Be sensitive to the experience of others - perhaps they do not share my anxiety around having incorrect information
Once again - no one is in your head but you. As he says, if you hear it once (especially if from a stranger) it’s likely not worth the attention, effort or angst. But if you hear it often, from people in your inner circle, can you let your defenses down and practice curiosity?
