On emotional needs
“Love makes a good relationship a dream and a bad relationship a nightmare. Love does not fix a relationship—it amplifies what’s already there.” - Mark Manson
As I was greeted at the gym this morning - “Happy love day,” beautiful people.
Last week I explored assumptions and how asking questions to confirm you understand someone’s motivations can help avoid unnecessary frustration and pain. Continuing on that theme, let’s look another of Manson’s observations - on the core emotional needs of status, connection, and security. Manson defines those needs in this way and offers a simple truth:
“Status. Feeling important or superior; feeling challenged. Connection. Feeling understood and appreciated; shared values and experiences. Security. Feeling safe and reliable; feeling trust. We all have these needs in our relationships, but we all prioritize them a little differently.”
Put another way - each of us has a unique combination of these needs and those needs drive our motivation in relationships, both romantic and otherwise. I had never really thought about what comprises my specific flavor but I have no doubt that observant people in relationship with me could discern them. Thinking about it now, I would rank my need for connection high; I’ve shared previously that I’m driven by a need to understand, and I also seek knowing that someone understands me (having often felt misunderstood).
Now when I scan through past and current relationships, I see where my blanket application of this as everyone’s primary driver likely caused tension and fostered misunderstanding. I also cast unnecessary judgement; status ranks low for me - I don’t particularly seek fame or prestige, don’t collect friends for the opportunities knowing them may provide. I confess I’ve scoffed at that as a motivator. If I had practiced curiosity, I may have been able to see where their experiences had led them to be driven more by this need than the others.
Manson offers that love amplifies what already exists in a relationship; if a lack of understanding around or misalignment on emotions needs is causing tension, love may make the friction uncomfortable to the point of pain.
Is there someone in your life with whom you are experiencing tension? Can you identify if this is coming from one of your emotional needs not being met? Or perhaps, that you are not meeting one of theirs? Is there a question you can ask or a gesture you can make to help connect with your loved one?
