On assumptions
"Never assume, because when you assume, you make an ass out of U and ME".
Last week I wrote about The Four Agreements, speaking mostly on the first - being impeccable with your word. As a reminder, Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements are:
Be impeccable with your word
Don’t take anything personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your best
Over the last week, the above saying has been rolling around in my head; I’ve thought it about myself and I’ve thought it about others. The second and third agreement to me are inexorably intertwined and are both connected with some fundamentals of physiology and neuroscience - our brain is a very hungry organ. It consumes 22% of our daily calories. While in the 21st century western world many of us enjoy extremely easy access to more food than we could ever possibly eat, it wasn’t that long ago that cycles of feast and famine were common. Our brains have therefore evolved to be as conservative as possible. It is a pattern seeking machine; it is designed to assume.
And yet, when it comes to people - especially people outside of our closest circle - our assumptions are often wrong.
Here’s an example from my life. A few years ago, I made some significant changes to my approach to exercise. For me, exercise had usually been the byproduct of seeking something to do (clock race times for every distance from 5K to marathon), learn (yoga), or achieve (summit a Colorado 14er). As the last years of my 30s passed, I listed to a podcast with Dr. Peter Attia; a specialist in longevity and exercise physiology, he asserts that as you enter your middle age, you need to be thinking about how long you hope to live and what you hope to be doing. Knowing that, you should “backcast” and then take actions now to ensure later abilities. Consistency had long been a weakness of mine, so I used the 75Hard challenge as the jumping off point to build better daily physical habits. For the first time in my life I prioritized strength training alongside continuing to run; unsurprisingly, my body began to change.
In the midst of this, I saw a family member with whom I don’t have a close relationship. In our conversation, I alluded to what I had been doing and I also commented “I don’t care about how I look.” She responded with something to the effect of, “Well clearly you do because if you didn’t you would eat whatever you want.” In other words, if I didn’t care, I would have let myself go physically.
I remember being startled; I have never done anything for the sake of how I look to other people; I’ve always done it for how I feel and what I am able to do - how I look is just a byproduct. In that moment I realized that there exist a number of people who only exercise to manage their image; this was as foreign of a concept to me as mine - that I’ve never thought about crafting my image, only of doing things to my own satisfaction - was to her.
My takeaways were these - people are going to hear everything you say through the lens of their own experiences, motives, thoughts, and feelings. They are likely going to assume what yours are. I am likely going to do the same thing. Curiosity - both towards myself to understand clearly and therefore be able to explain simply and to others to hear where we may be different - is so essential. Otherwise, a small assumption can snowball.
As I have often written - no one is in your head but you. You are the only one you can control. Not making assumptions isn’t easy; it takes effort. But if effort is going to be expended any way - through the emotional turmoil of misunderstanding or conflict that then requires repair and resolution - I’d argue you’d be better served to pause and clarify.
As you head into the weekend, is there an area of your life or a person in your life that you regularly find yourself making assumptions only to realize they were incorrect? Can you think of a question you could have asked to clarify before jumping to that conclusion?
Be well, beautiful people.
