On taking things personally
“Spend today interpreting whatever people do in the most generous way. See if you feel better as a result.” - James Clear
Timely words from Clear - both because of the season (last part of winter, where many are irritable with cabin fever & longing for more sun) and the post I planned for today (on Ruiz’s agreement - Don’t take things personally).
As a reminder, The Four Agreements are:
Be impeccable with your word. (Keep your promises - to yourself and others and only make promises you intend to keep)
Don't take anything personally. (Realize that most things are not about you and don’t try to make them about you)
Don't make assumptions. (Recognize that your assumptions are based on your thoughts and feelings and ask questions instead)
Always do your best. (Whatever energy you have on a given day, give it. Know that your available energy will change day to day.)
I firmly believe that “Don’t take things personally” and “Don’t make assumptions” go hand in hand. An assumption is the story we tell ourselves about an interaction; taking things personally is the action of making ourselves the center of that story, often in a manner that generates negative feelings.
Something that has been incredibly helpful to me over the last many months is holding onto this belief: most negative interactions are the product of unresolved pain and/or unacknowledged fear. Sometimes that pain/fear is in me; sometimes that pain/fear is in the other person. (Despite what popular media would like you to believe, most people are not psychopaths or narcissists.)
Clear invites us to be generous in our interpretations - perhaps:
The driver who cut you off isn’t an asshole - he’s angry with himself for forgetting to advance purchase a spot in the closest event parking deck because his wife is on crutches.
The waiter who overcharged you isn’t trying to get one over on you - they are distracted from a bad argument with their boyfriend and worried the relationship is ending.
The friend who is not answering your texts isn’t avoiding you - she’s recently gotten a cancer diagnosis and has been overwhelmed with decisions.
As the examples above suggest, sometimes - with friends and family members - you will have the opportunity to practice curiosity and ask questions to resolve the conflict. But others - with strangers and acquaintances - we may not have the time or ability. Clear’s offering - “See if you feel better as a result” - is rooted in practicality: when you get upset or offended by taking something personally, you are spending (precious!) physical and mental energy.
Think about energy in the same way you think about money. Most of us have a limited amount. How do you want to spend it? When you have taken things personally, does it actually make you feel better?
Be well, beautiful people.
