On relationships

I’m going to go on record and say that I’ve been mediocre (at best) and pretty bad (at worst) at relationships for much of my life. There is a host of reasons why, but that’s not for me to expand upon in this space. For sake of this post, I’ll just say that I always took it for granted that people would be direct and honest with me about what they wanted or needed from me; I also had an extreme form of what all humans have - the perception that everyone’s motivations, needs, and desires were the same as mine. (Ha!)

This week I began re-reading Paulo Coelho’s international best seller The Alchemist.

This short but profoundly wise novel follows a young shepherd as he pursues his dream of finding treasure in Egypt; like many tales before it - this mythical epic explores the theme of finding’s one destiny. However, there are also some very practical observations peppered throughout:

When someone sees the same people every day, as had happened with him at the seminary, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry.” (page 17)

Once again I am reminded that our brains are always trying to be the most efficient machines they can be. It takes effort to seek to understand someone else’s position, especially when it is in contrast to your own. It also takes effort - because we are social creatures and for most of our species’s history, we needed the people in our circles to be consistent to survive - to recognize that each person gets to individually determine their path. Even if their path makes no sense to anyone else but them.

I loved the statement from Mark Manson’s newsletter on Monday morning - I agree wholeheartedly. However, I will add this: it is important to resist the temptation to filter anyone who reacts negatively to your choice to make a positive change into the category of “bad.” More than likely, that response is prompted by fear. Fear of losing the relationship with you, fear that they will be seen as less than.

Have you witnessed this kind of reaction in your own life when making a positive change? Were you surprised by it? Could you get curious about why?

Be well, beautiful people.